Betrayal Trauma

“Betrayal trauma” refers to the damage that is caused when you experience a betrayal in your relationship that damages the trust, safety, and security of the bond you have with your partner (Snowden, 2018). Betrayal trauma can be seen in a variety of relationships but for the purposes of this session we are viewing the trauma in conjunction to romantic relationships between spouses or significant others. Erik Erickson an American Psychologist proposes that one of the most basic human growth levels to maturity is the level of trust vs. mistrust. Trust is a very important part of all relationships.  Trust has been violated at the most basic level. It is important to understand the characteristics of betrayal trauma.

Betrayal trauma can quickly overwhelm your relationship and caused tremendous damage. When overwhelmed by betrayal, you are thrust into multiple no-win conflicts of the heart and mind. Your love for the betrayer is threatened by feelings of contempt for their behavior. Your feelings of safety and trust are torn by your fear of being wounded again. You have most likely become emotionally dysregulated and cognitively paralyzed. Everything between you is now stained with the betrayal, and nothing seems real or trustworthy now. Your heart and mind argue about whether you should stay and fight for your relationship or leave and avoid more pain.

When the most trusted people in life are the very ones that inflict the greatest harm-all of your beliefs about life are challenged. Betrayal Trauma is most common in marriages where affairs, pornography, emotional affairs, and other behaviors occur. Other betrayals can come through parents, siblings, relatives, children, close friends, and other specially connected people.

The initial discovery of betrayal is enough to cause the body to immediately ramp up its threat response system. Unfortunately, partners are often dealing with not just that first discovery but an ongoing series of discoveries that activate the threat system repeatedly, causing it to fire up and prepare to fight, flee, or shut down over and over. Many betrayed partners report feeling that just as they start to calm down and gain some equilibrium another discovery occurs and once again their system rockets into chaos.

Most people who are wounded by betrayal trauma fail to recover because they try to ignore it, bury it, or heal themselves. This does not work. The actual effects of betrayal trauma are complex and interlaced throughout your heart and mind. Joining with others in group who have also suffered along with expert guidance is the most effective way to cope with betrayal trauma, especially in the beginning. Sometimes, when the trauma runs deep or it has repeated you need individual help to overcome the complex traumatic affects. The worst thing you can do is try to go it alone! Let us help you help yourself now, when it counts the most.

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Common Signs of Betrayal Trauma:

·        Overwhelming or dysregulated emotional reactions

·        Unusual behavioral changes

·        Changes in Sleep – too much or too little

·        Confusion, memory lost or brain fog

·        Changes in eating habits – loss of appetite or compulsive overeating

·        Anxiety/panic attacks or depression

·        Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks

·        Difficulty caring for self or others

·        Isolation or avoidance

·        Obsessive need to check on other’s internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history, etc. for signs that the danger is still present

Sources of Betrayal Trauma include:

·        Sexual affairs, sexual abuse, or sexual assault

·        Discovery of spouses use or addiction to internet porn

·        Emotional affairs (office flirtations, inappropriately intimate friendships with opposite sex, codependency on others outside marriage).

·        Cyber-cheating through texting; sexting; social media

·        Sudden or Unexpected divorce or separation

·        Verbal and emotional assaults/attacks which target and demean your self-esteem from a cherished person.

·        Hidden histories, financial secrets, and events of significance to your relationship